Saturday, July 31, 2010

Life After Death

Today marks one year since my diaphragmatic hernia repair. One year since they cut me open on a metal table. One year since I saw my Life flash before my eyes.

They had found the hernia accidentally on a x-ray after I had blown out my upper back. It was the size of a large orange. The doctors didn't know how I got it. Some said I may have had it since birth. Diaphragmatic hernias usually kill babies before they reach six months old. The doc told me mine had the potential to wrap around my heart and kill me within six hours. "When would you like to schedule your surgery?" "Umm...as soon as possible?"

Surgery is the worst. The days leading up to it. The needles. Putting you under. Cutting you up. And then all that pain afterwards. Then, recovery. Learning how to walk, talk and breathe again.

My Life in some weird way had seemed pretty complete before going into surgery. I felt like I was on good terms with everyone I cared for. I had been working really hard on my latest script. I had gotten pretty much everything I've ever wanted. But as I thought these breaths could have been my last, I still knew I had so much more to do. And I think that's why I'm still alive today. All for a reason.

The surgery changed me. Not just on the outside, especially now since my scar has begun to fade it's almost like it never happened. But the memory and the lesson remain --

Take nothing for granted. Live each day like it's your last. Remember what's important and what isn't. Put all of yourself into all that you do. Just keep living. Do it fully.

You never know what tomorrow will bring....

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Beginning of the End

It's funny how when it gets to the end, I always think about the beginning.

That first step. That first breath. Those first words. That first choice. That first decision.

Sometimes when we move forward with a new venture, we have no idea what we're getting ourselves into. This could be a road to failure. Success. Heartaches. Headaches. Stomach ulcers.

Along the journey, one can be naive. Take things for granted. Overlook the details. Ignore past mistakes. Just push through towards a destination. Where we can end up on the complete opposite side of where we originally wanted to be.

What keeps pushing us forward? Our life force? Our stubborn wills? Our faith? Our beliefs in what we're doing is right for us? Our desire for something? Our yearning for change? Maybe all of the above.

Our wants can grow with such persistence that they can even form into the words we speak every single day. Projecting our plan. Divulging our secrets. Telling our agenda to the world. How little we think of how those words could affect other people. Change their feelings. Change their plans. Change their desires. And how their words can change us.

Then comes the choice. Left or right. Up or down. Black or white. Laid out before us on a silver platter. Waiting for an answer. Staring at us until we make up our minds.

Finally, the decision. The ultimate engraved stone carving on our paths. It could be years later before we can know if we have made the right choice. It could be seconds. Then we always have the power to switch ourselves once again. Different circumstances. Different choices. Different decisions.

Will this one lead us to our self salvation? Or will we just have to start from another beginning again? More lessons to be learned. More roads to develop before us.

It's funny how when it gets to the end, I always think about the beginning.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Letting Go

Something I've never been good at. Do you get better with practice? But what does it say about someone who can easily let go at will? Perhaps they were never that attached.

How can you let go of something that's the weight of a mountain on your mind? A box of chains around your heart? A steel casket around your soul? Or those ever elusive claws in your back?

Not without strength. Persistance. Overwhelming will power.

I strive to become that person that can let the constrictions of attachment fall all around me. To just keep moving forward. Nothing to drag me to the ground. Nothing to slow me down.

Banish the negative thoughts that pull me. Dismay the heartbreaks that have wounded me. Break through the past and people who have tried to darken my spirit. Kill the creature with those sharp digging talons once and for all.

And just keep moving forward...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Work!!!

A career. A job. A lifestyle. Money. No money. Success. Fulfillment.

If you are lucky enough to do what you want in this Life, kudos to you.

If you don't know yet or are still trying to figure that out, kudos to you too.

I've known that I wanted to be a screenwriter since I was 15. That was 11 years ago. Do I feel lucky to know that? Sure! Could I change my mind in the future? Nothing is impossible!

A lot of my friends are still in school. Still searching for that ideal, dream job. Some are considering going back to school, to change directions once again. I've discovered it takes a lot of strength and courage to change your mind about something. Especially about something BIG. It's incredible what the human mind is capable of. To want a job. Work so hard to get it. And then work it dry until something new comes along. It's sometimes taxing. Sometimes okay. Sometimes enjoyable.

One could say our jobs define us. One could say our jobs are just a little part of us. Some could say our jobs are what drives us. Most would say our jobs are a necessity, of course... The Art of Survival. Personally, I enjoy defining my job, redefining and fine tuning it, again and again. I feel so lucky to have a job that I love so much with so much freedom. What a rarity it is. I know this. I am forever grateful.

A career of being a great mom who raises amazing kids. Success. A job that makes you feel important. Success. A lifestyle you've always dreamed of. Success. Money. No money. Success. I pray that all can find fulfillment. With work, play, love and Life.

"You are not an indentured servant! It's not a whim for you, you prove it to him by your conviction and your passion! You show that to him, and if he still doesn't believe you - well, by then, you'll be out of school and can do anything you want."

- John Keating in Dead Poets Society.





Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Never Thought...

Ever use the sentence: I never thought... blah, blah, blah..?

Seems like we use it a lot in this household.

I never thought I'd be back here. Especially, if you had asked me a couple years ago. I would've told you that I'd be sitting on a sandy beach right now. But alas, I'm amidst glowing grass as far as the eyes can see. Sometimes the idea of "never thought" can seem negative. However, it isn't always. I do absolutely love it here.

I've discovered you have to TRUST the PATH. No matter how rough and rocky. Nor how smooth and winding. But it's amazing how it could change. In a second! In an instant!! And you just have to deal, cope, get through it. And you can never know the ending, the destination, the outcome. How scary. How exciting. That's Life!

I never thought I could possibly now be living half the time in the place from whence we just came. I never thought I would love so much the place where I am now. I never thought a lot of things.

I trust the path. I have faith. I have optimistic hopes for the future. Why? Because it's in me to keep believing. Deep down through me. Every waking moment. Every step I take. It just is.

“Luke: I can’t believe it. Yoda: That is why you fail.”

- from Star Wars.